Help! I think my sister-in-law is secretly trying to poison me.
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Father Prudence,
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with celiac disease. I told my relatives who I eat with, a few very close friends, but otherwise, I didn’t say anything. Mostly because there are a lot of people who think we’re cheating or something. Now my issue is my daughter-in-law. When all this was new to me, she visited me and brought me some chocolate chip cookies that she made, and assured me they were gluten free. I was happy because at the time I still missed gluten.
Shortly after he left I looked at the secret ingredient, thinking I had finally found a delicious gluten-free flour.
No. It was Eindkorn, which is 100 percent wheat. I have a hard time believing it wasn’t intentional. He is educated in science and had once made the questionable statement that I was just being picky. On the other hand, my brother, who has no scientific knowledge, read the labels on canned beans, found out that they contained gluten, and brought a different type of gluten to Thanksgiving.
However, he often says bad or mean things to people. I’ve always been able to flip them. But I couldn’t let this go. Things are getting worse between us. I would like to talk about this, but the last time I tried to do that with him, he didn’t talk to me for two years. Last month, they came closer to us, from just one hour. But I would be happy if I never saw him again. You don’t know what to do. Until now, I am trying to keep the peace for the sake of the family, but I am tired.
—Feeling Disrespected
Dear Irrespective,
Let’s break this down. First, you hide your celiac disease. I’m not sure where you live, but here in a big city, it’s not uncommon for people to require gluten-free, or to opt out. Just the other night my ex bought a bag of gluten-free gnocchi by mistake from a wonderful place in Italy. And if you’ve told so few people, are you sure people think you’re cheating? If it’s been a few years, you may find that the world has changed and so have people’s attitudes about celiac.
I mean, some people are still jerks, and it sounds like your daughter-in-law is one of them. You don’t know for sure that he spoiled you with a gluten-ous recipe, so I would put this one aside and focus on the real problem: what do you think he might have! The way you describe it, I’m not sure that “talking about it” can reduce the tension between you, and it can make it worse. Try to forget about the cookies, avoid anything he will bake for you in the future, and at family gatherings, leave the room when he enters. Listen to your feelings and avoid the problem. And tell lots of people you’re gluten free! Being celiac is good for everyone—including people like your mother-in-law.
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Father Prudence,
My husband hates hearing stories a second time. I’ll come home from work and tell him what happened, then a week later I’ll tell the same story at dinner with friends. Everyone enjoyed the story (a few people were crying, laughing a lot), but he tried to change the subject and speed up the whole time. Then when we got home, he complained that he had to listen to it again. Isn’t hearing the same stories just something that comes with being married? For what it’s worth, she spent the last month complaining about the same thing at work, so it’s not like I’m not hearing the same thing over and over again. Please tell me who is being unreasonable here.
– I’m the Best at Storytelling, I Promise
Dear Stories,
As someone who likes to tell the same stories over and over to new audiences (apologies to my friends, family, and colleagues at Slate!), I hear you! A good story is a good story, and it deserves to be shared far and wide. This is your husband’s problem—not yours. Maybe the next time this happens at a dinner party she can go to the bathroom on her own, take it upon herself to clean the dishes or refill the wine or water for the table, or, you know, sort it out. respect, which the couple did. in this situation for hundreds of years. Keep talking; we like to hear it.
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Father Prudence,
I am a 31 year old man, married, bi ciswoman, living in the Northeast, I need help with my job. My entire career has been in outdoor education, initially leading long-distance retreats and nature-based programs for youth and adults. For the past five years, I have been on the management side of things, and I have been in my current position for the past three years. Although my role is in the office, I am still responsible for on-call overnights where I live on site at least once a week during the spring, summer and fall. My work weeks are often over 40 hours, especially during the summer. The work is intense and sometimes exhausting, but I also find it rewarding and social in my work. My partner has a stable 9-to-5 and is incredibly supportive and flexible with my erratic schedule.
Then this past weekend, I visited a friend from college who is due to have her first child at the end of October, my first parenting friend. He and I are very different people in many ways, but we have a lot of love and respect for each other’s choices in life, and we’ve had great conversations about hopes and fears about both our careers and transition. his great life. When I got home after that weekend, I started thinking more about parenting. I’ve never had a strong desire to get pregnant or become a parent, and my partner feels the same way. We have known many occasions where we have said to each other, “We would never have done this with a child!” But now I wonder if I ever really gave myself permission to explore my true feelings about parenting because my life was never made to support it—it just seemed impossible. is possible.
I realized that regardless of whether I decide to have a child or not, I want a life that reasonably has room to live if I choose; and if I choose not to, a place to fully enjoy that freedom.
Plus, living like we’re getting ready to be parents—actually making a will, being more intentional and proactive about budgeting, and prioritizing the housing projects we’ve always wanted delay——it will help us to enjoy life without children. I brought all this to my partner, who was fully supportive of this mission and I am a little excited to think deeply about what it would be like if our family included a baby. He says he still hasn’t felt the inner desire to be a parent but he would be honored to be a parent with me. So my next step is to find a way to change my life so that a child is a possibility.
My question is: How do I do that? Do I bring all this to my boss (who is also a friend-I know, everything is closed) and put my thoughts and see if what I am asking is possible in the section can i go now? Should I start looking for another job? Because of my abilities and where I live, that would mean higher education, which I am not not interested, but the jobs are very scarce and very competitive. Do both? Another option I haven’t considered? Is this whole project just a new, baroque way to delay my decision to become a parent or not?
—Is There More to Life Than Work?
Dear Life,
Okay, first of all, slow down. Like, WAY down. It’s great that you’re thinking about becoming a parent, but you’re not quite there yet—and I don’t think reorganizing everything for opportunity of desire is the best way to approach this. First, decide with your partner, in many discussions and at a comfortable time, if you want to try hard to get pregnant. Neither of you seem sure you want a baby, and it sounds like you’re still young (I’m basing this on the fact that you only have one friend with a baby right now) . Get firmly on the same page before moving on. You are thinking of many steps before a risky process, and no matter what happens, you must have 100% of the funds and compliance.
If you decide to go ahead, then go ahead and try. But it can take time to get pregnant. You can upset your stomach. You may face problems in having children. I do not say this to belittle, but to speak the truth. Trying to plan a career path for an imaginary baby you don’t know you want, or can have, is putting the cart before the horse. There is no reason to “change” your life at this time.
In your other notes: Yes, get the will! Yes, meet the budget. No, don’t talk to your boss at this point. But maybe talk to a doctor about this desire to map life in advance. One thing I can promise you is that, if you do end up having a baby, all the arrangements in the world won’t stop your world from changing sometimes—in the best ways. and many difficult ones. That’s one thing you can read to.
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More Advice From the Tablet
My cousin recently died suddenly at the age of 40. We were only a few years apart, and although we weren’t close, we grew up in the same small town and were had a few friends in common when we were kids. His immediate family did not publicly state the cause of death and only shared with my family that he had a sudden illness before his death. It is unlikely that she may have accidentally or intentionally overdosed. In a society where we often come from small-mindedness, it would probably be a cause for sarcasm, so I don’t blame the family for being tight-lipped about it. However, it’s very difficult to find closure without knowing what happened, and since I was “protected” from family truths as a child, I’m optimistic about the possibility of finding out about rumor mill.
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